out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
and I eat men like air.
-Sylvia Plath

So I kind of yelled at a man in a fairly public setting on Wednesday. I felt terrible, partly because I didn't feel terrible at all.

It would be true to say that I didn't know quite what came over me, but also to say that I recognize in it a familiar pattern - that is to say, it was both quite like and quite unlike me.

The short version (from my distinctly biased point of view) is that this fellow was giving a talk on a matter dear to his heart and seems to have decided that being aggressive and belittling were the best means to his ends. He was a longtime military man, and while that may have had no bearing on his manner, it reminded me of other servicemen I have known in it's violence and lack of humility. As I felt myself becoming more and more irritated, I was writing down my problems and questions with what he was saying. The final straw came when he derided a group of people that are very near to my heart and are (I think) unjustly demonized. When he insisted I answer one of his questions, I responded with the questions I had been building up in my mind, matching him for tone and aggression level. It was far from the attitude and response set he had been expecting, as it seemed like one of his (successful so far) strategies was to cow and intimidate the audience. Anyways, I was very forceful and we kind of came to an understanding, but it really shocked my friends.

I feel really ambivalent about the whole thing. On one hand, I really try to be a calm and humble partner in discussions, and I rarely have opinions I feel so strongly about that I need to express them despite the response others will have; but very, very occasionally I feel like I must, on principle, stand up to someone - particularly someone who I think few people stand up to - particularly the pompous, the authoritarian, the hypocritical. Can that in any way be used by God? Could he use it to shine a light? Or is it always destructive not to turn the other cheek - is acting within the bounds of anger, righteous or not, always sin? Me thinks it's probably the latter, but I don't want it to be. Because no matter how I seek to be gentle and a servant in everyday life, there is the delicious matter of putting someone in his place, the joy of the devastating comeback, the victory of the surprise attack. Rising like Ariel and eating men like air, you know? And I think that if my friends had not been there, I would have felt less embarassed than empowered, and sin hates to be in the light. I don't know. I guess I just hope that there is the seed of something good in my willingness to challenge people (authority?) if it is submitted to God and not just an end in itself.