Yeah, okay, so it's only the first week of December and I'm already Christmassed out. I think a big part of the problem is my mom; she just loves to spend extravagant amounts on us. I'm talking monthly-rent-and-possibly-utilities-in-a-good-month amounts. Each. It raises the bar for the presents we give each other, and it makes me feel embarassed and greedy and highlights all the problems I have with materialism in the world and in myself. And it is hard to deal with knowing that G and I are tens of thousands of dollars in debt having a hard time keeping the dog in squeeky toys, and she insists on buying only fabulous, frivolous things we would never buy ourselves. I think when my father was alive he kept her check (not directly, but just due to the fact that he was so down to earth and confident), but now she has been unleashed and cannot be stopped.

Why not just ask her for a small present or a subdued holiday this year, you ask?

Naive fool!

She claims that this is the only thing that makes her happy and why would we ingrateful children deny her this, her one joy. There is this part of me that feels like she is attempting to buy the love of her son- and daughter-in-law, or build up a debt between us so that we won't leave her alone when she is old. The fact that she thinks this is possible makes me feel so sick to my stomach.

I know that she grew up really, really (did I say reallly?) poor, and that when she saw the Christmas celebrations of middle-class families they seemed like such unimaginable abundance...and she is trying to recreate that overwhelming feeling starting from the lives of material wealth we already live, and it just gets out of hand.

I love her so much and I wish she didn't feel like she had to buy anyone or work up that holiday feeling of fullness and joy by sheer pocketbook power. Aand I deeply hope that I will be able to have a really different set of traditions within my own family. Sigh.